Well Flood Me A River Noah And His Ark Don’t Make No Sense

3 Mar

In retrospect it’s amazing how much nonsense, gibberish and balderdash AND absolute bollocks(for good measure) I swallowed unquestioningly. Noah and his fantastic barge is one such case.
It would seem as if the entire history of mankind and the world as we know it is shaped and influenced by actions of middle eastern geriatrics with varying degrees of dementia and some possibly consuming hallucinogenics for recreation. From Abraham(he of infanticide tendencies) to Moses(the guy who struck up a conversation with the possible beginning of a veld fire) Jacob(the animosity between the Jews and Palestinians can possibly be traced back to him) to Elijah(apparently the only man ever to ascend to “heaven” live in realtime). The guest list at the Mad Hatter’s Tea Party in the dessert would not be complete without good old Noah.
Noah is a very important man you see. He represents significant strides and innovation in the fields of communication and engineering for a hundred and something year old geezer who lived two milennia ago. Noah’s story is of significant ecological and climatology interests as well I would presume.
If popular legend is to be believed(and it should for fear of being an amber in a screaming human bonfire while everybody else plays a harp while stroking a lion) the world is eternally grateful to uncle Noah for the thousands of species of fauna that populate the planet what with him saving two of each and all. Happy days in Heteroville.

So how big was this world that Noah was supposed to have warned of the wrath of an invisible power who communicated in booming voices, possibly bolts of lightning and burning bushes and had a penchant for throwing random disasters when displeased by his free-willed creation? How much time would he need to warn his people of the imminent toy throwing session and what method did he use? Smoke signals to reach Europe in the middle of a sand storm? What universal language did he use to reach his divinely appointed constituency? This was before the time of the pentecost and the euphoric outbursts in a plethora of tongues so how exactly was this message communicated. Doesn’t seem fair to find one seafood at the bottom of an ocean because an old man given to raucous drunken displays spoke a language only understood himself and his people.

Legend has it the people thought of Noah dilly (as would any rational person) and laughed at him and heeded not his warning. Later when the sky pissed down seriously legend has it was too late for the wretched humanity.
Noah set the benchmark for ship building. This was a flood of note that should have annihilated the planet and yet Noah’s boat withstood the punishment and somehow managed to stay in one place. I stand to be corrected but I don’t hear of Noah and his precious cargo of all life in the planet landing in some strange world.
Speaking of Noah’s precious cargo the image of Noah coaxing species that is only found in the Amazon to make the pilgrimage to a boat in the middle of the dessert with it’s breeding partner is priceless. If it took just two animals to bring to life an entire species the rhino has a chance.
The masterpiece to the story has to be the same god who’s cleansed the world via torrential rains changing his mind on how he plans to destroy his creation next time and incredibly opts for scorched earth and all in it. Trial and error at the torture chamber.

Did the Floods destroy the whole world or parts of it?

This story is narrated repeatedly by preachers with that same air of assuredness one has when convinced of an undeniable scientific fact. I have not heard a single preacher who was willing to concede that Noah’s tale was possibly allegorical(read mythological) because if it is to be taken at face value then it is plain nonsense and we should be ashamed we’re shoveling this down children’s minds. Poor children don’t stand a chance when exposed to such tyranny and mass murder as soon as they can crawl to sabbath or sunday school or say amen. Somebody say amen!


2 Responses to “Well Flood Me A River Noah And His Ark Don’t Make No Sense”

  1. sinethemba chiya March 3, 2013 at 7:29 pm #

    Ave uzoshiswa!!!

  2. mzo March 4, 2013 at 7:22 pm #

    “Happy days in Heteroville.” lol

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